People might suffer my presence, but a lot of invites were basically to everyone in the group but me and maybe one or two other fringe members. LW, it seems possible that your workmate also regards home visits as a level of intimacy that is too much for a co-worker. They may have to deal with a tag along dragging down their group. Or just the opposite could happen, and it may be a bad move to invite yourself to an outing where that kind of thing is commonly okay. My friends are well aware that they can show up. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. Its not a thing where assumptions will actually pay off. When I asked him about the surprise invites, his reply was, I thought it was efficient to get all my social obligations taken care of at once. If an event just seems like the organizers want to keep it small. Be confident and approach the situation with success in mind. If you want to build that kind of social situation into your norms then its (JUST) up to you to tell your friends to stop by whenever theyre in your area. So, if you dont want to come on too strong or you feel shy to do it, use these little tips to indicate to him that you want some private time bonding. and if someone doesnt go away and my dogs arent already loose in the house (and therefore at the front door barking at the person to GO AWAY), I can also from this position get to wherever the dogs are kept without being seen, if I am careful and let them loose to express their barky opinions up against the door glass. It makes me feel good. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. I really, really need time to myself, and someone showing up to my house unexpectedly, no matter what, makes me feel uncomfortable and encroached upon. Obviously a glass of water isnt an imposition, especially if youve been riding a bike around, but it feeds into number 1. And I would probably stop initiating other kinds of hangouts (or at least do so less frequently) to see whether the friend really wanted us to keep being friends or if they were trying to naturally drift apart. just got off the train, be there in 5 min Then they wont be surprised when I buzz them or ring the doorbell a few min later. Privacy Policy. I have to say that thats something that I admire about people I know who do make their preference for casual drop-in visiting known without turning into Martha Stewart every time they arent stressed out that there are dishes in the sink or that the bathrooms grimy. Certain people, certain times in my life, I have been 100% okay with showing up unannounced at their place and vice versa. If someone in your social circle is throwing a. I wish you all the best in working this through with your counsellor. Ill text you early next week and we can set something up., Them: I never get to see you. But why do you want them to walk from their car to your door and back again regardless of the weather? ". And very rarely is the answer reschedule. It was obvious she was expecting an invite, but shes not a friend an acquaintance at best. 4. I was expecting to catch up with my friend one-on-one at the restaurant, only to discover that he had several friends in tow. Big +1 on the relevance of the increasing distance here. Im definitely a Guesser in the Ask vs. Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. Do not do this to your friends, who love you and yet may have busy lives or incompatible schedules. If I know the people in question well enough I will sometimes just be explicit. Plus, this way, your fun activity is already planned out. I hate it when someone else does. hut it's in the files, of course." They had got back to the door . Organising the social lives of 6 year olds when you dont know the other parents is a pain. And I agree that its up to both sides, the person doing the rejecting to communicate clearly and consistently, and the rejectee gracefully taking the hint. 1. You can go on and be as creative as possible and If you are good at your cooking game they will definitely be impressed if they say yes to your invitation. Come up with a reason why you want to come over. Housemate observed that I probably wouldnt come if I wasnt sent an invitation. My example above works well for both his and my anxieties. Guy: Alright! #1 reason I would be hostile to a rare drop-in is because I do not actually like the person. Intimacy and connection with other people means putting yourself out there, taking risks, and sometimes making mistakes. You don't want to seem desperate, more like you think it sounds interesting and may drop by, but if you can't come it's no big deal, and it wouldn't mortally offend you or anything. Dude, uh, thanks for coming, let your friends know about the show. Another thing to keep in mind is to be explicit about when you plan to come and leave so that he does not feel overwhelmed. Has their baby barfed on me/Do we spend a lot of time in each others houses? This right here. Before you invite girls to your place, know what to text her: Once you have sorted your logistics, you have to text her your plan: FWIW I think your manners were fine, and your reading on the situation of friend vs SO is pretty socially ept. Moreover, I think its self-absorbed to assume that your social acquaintance/friend that wasnt invited to a thing particularly wants to hear all about how much fun you had without them doing whatever thing it was you were doing. Saying no can be hard for me, especially if youre at the front door. Not everyone has great insight into their own emotions. The thing that you are missing, it sounds very much like you miss it from a privileged position of not having safe-space related anxiety. i hear you, and i for sure do not think you should have to explain to people why you do not want them glued to your side at all times. My ex was such a polar opposite person who needed her alone time unless specific arrangements were made. Their DNA will be rearranged to spell people are different, try to tactfully and honestly ask whats on their mind. He's not going to want to have you over again if he has to spend the next hour scraping bits of lasagna off the bottom of a pan. I was coming to say the same thing. Then I realize theyre not going to punish me, they really were just asking, and its no big deal going forward. Sigh. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway does not count as calling ahead. After the length of time it takes to drink one cup of tea, you must make polite noises about going. Okay, can I say, I find comments like this REALLY ableist. She still isnt invited and she still isnt coming in. At this point I just deal with it by acting like Im an idiot and I believe everything they say. 1 pm. Yeah, eselle, this seems like the best compromise/solution. This is about my comfort in my own home and has nothing to do with catering to guests, or being proper or mannerly. I mean, most of the time I expect people to at least call ahead, unless an emergency occurred, but to ring my doorbell after dark when you said youd be here in the early afternoon, without an explanation, is ridiculous. 1.5. That is why people default to simply not doing the thing that some people find rude. People actually try to invite themselves on your vacations? I know people who do this (I am not one of them, however). Shit like what you describe would scar anybody, and good for you for talking about it openly. I have two anecdotes about the dangers of drop-ins: 1. But I am not likely to become someone whose housekeeping and decorating skills occasion effusive positive comment. My home has to be my sanctuary, and nobody gets inside without my consent given well in advance (hint: 24 hours is short notice to me) There is no amount of money that exists that would get me to play softball (Gym class PTSD). As my original comment notes, I was confused that the term seemed to be being used to describe all sorts of in-advance-of-company cleaning. I was raised that its unforgivably rude to show up to any gathering, no matter how casual, without an explicit Would you like to go to X event? But then as I grew up and encountered casual, after-work, anyone-who-wants-to-come-can-come events, I was finally told that I was isolating myself by expecting an explicit invitation because thats not how it works.. Be female. Its like, are you going to show up on time, or are you going to be there in an hour? What do you do? I mean its not only that they arent invited, but theyre excluded from the conversation almost by default. Some people get really ticked off about the idea that I can CHOOSE whether to answer my door/phone/text/email, and that just not wanting to interact at that moment is a good enough reason not to answer. Take care of yourself, okay? If I could find an excuse, I felt guilty about turning her away. The hugest part of it is that I cannot bear to have people see inside my house unless it is perfectly tidy and the floors vacuumed/washed, and every surface freshly wiped down, and no dirty dishes, and with refreshments ready etc (thank you, my mother, for your hostess-shame legacy) and as mentioned I have children. It didnt affect our friendship negatively at all, just clarified a boundary. And if they still didnt come by then, well, at least you tried. I also figured out that Im just not that comfortable having people over not a born hostess, I guess. So sorry to say theres no hard and fast rule. I dont live my life in such a way that Im always prepared for unexpected visitors. Even my parents call before coming over, and the only times Ive said no are when I was too sick or exhausted to want to see them. Especially ride-share to that conference, carpool, etc. More answers below Cheryl Robinson-Atwood Former RN (1996-2009) Author has 2.4K answers and 1.9M answer views Dec 13 Sponsored by Forbes Advisor Best pet insurance of 2023. But, it's still a bit strange, at least for me, to invite yourself and others to a home that isn't yours. I have a dear friend who provides me with an interesting variation of this broader issue: inviting other friends of HIS along to plans that I (or others among our mutual friends) try to make with him. There was often a pattern where Kid One would ask permission to invite Kid Two over, their grownups would give permission, the kid would do the actual inviting, Kid Two would ask their grownups for permission, Kid Twos grownups would only give permission if they were able to give Kid Two a ride if needed, and then Kid Two would accept the invitation and visit Kid One. Their legs might get tired! A little heyyy Im gonna be about an hour or so late! wouldnt go amiss, would it? Im begging you, Awkward Army. For me, it is always better to err on the side of asking first. As cute as it might seem that he's thinking about you at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night after he's left the bar with his buddies and wants to see you last minute, it's not cute at all. I just feel like it's a bit rude without even asking N's mom to come over (We are still in high school, so we still live with parents) I would never want to interrupt anything N's mom has going on at her house that day. Places like that are MINE, are safe, are meant to be shields against the outside world. I want to come to stuff, but I dont log in that often so I miss a lot of posts.. When will it be? You could for instance say, I would like to invite you over to my place but my roommate is not so cool with that . I also think that Ask vs. We should totally go and see that together! When a guy has a thing for you, he'll want to talk to you all the time and as often as possible. I think it comes from the assumption that people in certain cultures have that everyone keeps their houses a basic level of clean. If Im in the neighborhood Ill text and say hey, Im having dinner at X if you want to join but thats the extent. They would invite you if they wanted! I know its immature, but I dont want to cut all ties, and I have to deal with them in some kind of way that doesnt make me feel so anxious and on edge. Guys don't usually invite girl (friends) to hang out alone just to "hang out". I have been trying to explain to her that she cant invite herself to her friends places and she has not been really getting why. Just ask them what they are doing the night of the event then say "oh cool" or something like that then keep talking about it until they invite you. Me: Actually, I was sleeping. It means you go knowing that you guys will hook up whether or not you guys are "talking". When people show up unexpectedly it depends on if its an annoyance for me. If a bunch of friends are seeing some kind of movie or concert, where it doesn't really matter how many people come along or not, and the attitude is often "the more the merrier", it's probably okay to ask if you can join. Im glad Im not the only person who finds this difficult. Sometimes I want the advice. (*) You know, nude dancing in the most Brazilian way has some interesting implications . My spouse prefers to wait outside so as to offer minimal inconvenience to whoever is doing us the favor of driving. Yes to this Meanwhile I prefer for casual-visit to mean lets go out to the coffee shop, even though that really strains my budget, because I both have executive function issues that affect my house and experience a lot of shame over those issues. and my shame level is much much higher and so I never have people over without a sometimes-tearful marathon clean that leaves me too exhausted to enjoy it. And, in nMoms reality, faaaaaaaaaaaamily can walk into your bedroom and shout at you or shake your mattress until you wake up, because she is a total asshole with no consideration for other people. Calling ahead was weird, heck, knocking on the door was weird, just come in. So go her! In my experience, No Soliciting signs are ineffective. The main reason I was even playing Destiny was to try to reconnect with someone. I discuss it more in this article, about when you're not sure if people are really interested in being friends with you or not. 1. The closer someone is, the more I feel I can relax around them and the less trouble it feels to have them over unexpectedly. So yes, for a lot of people it IS shame-cleaning. A ton of people who have executive function issues for various reasons struggle with guilt at their inability to meet this standard at all times, so they dont want to let others into their house without achieving that basic cleanliness level first. You should wash all the dishes and clean the dirty parts of the floor. I dont mind drop-ins, if its just a rare opportunity thing like they were down the street running an errand. I dont get it a lot, but I did only start hearing that from people after I moved to San Francisco, so maybe it is a regional thing. Obviously it has practical caveats, but not answering would train people not to just drop in. Your comment about you deserve specific plans reminded me of a friend (these days more of an acquaintance) with whom I would make dinner plans on a semi-regular basis. in the 3 weeks since I broke it off I have been trying to solve the problem of why someone would treat another person this way. You cant really pop by her work unexpectedly and hang out for two hours; shes got stuff to do, and you both know that the visit needs to be kept short. Luckily for you, this article will show you every tip you will need to get to your end goal. Our neighborhoods were close, and on frequent routes of travel between work/school/watering holes. Youre going to show our friend the bike and then ride away on your bike. Someone showing up at work means I suddenly have to juggle multiple of those states at the same time, and it is socially tiring. Yeah, Im going (super sad plus super confused = counselor) The whole thing left me wondering if my notions of politeness and normal were actually polite and normal. Like you could ask how about a homemade meal and the latest movie at your place on Saturday night?It takes guts to ask that question and be sure to know what to wear to his place for dinner. You can also drop a simple text letting him know you are looking forward to seeing him, to casually confirm the date ahead of time to ensure the plans are still on. My son and T still play with each other every day. Absolutely agree. That was the only time they did a drop-in. We do our weekly cleaning Sunday morning anyway so thats also the cleanest time of the week! Seriously. Anything that takes preparation on the part of the host or organizer, or even costs them money, is iffy. Person #4: Its Free Comic Book Day Saturday, so Im gonna go find a store and pick up some stuff to read. Going to a street fair devoted to tacos., Green light means go. If I was upstairs Id peer around the corner of the stairwell where I could see down the windows at the top of the front doorway so I could tell who was ringing, and if they were reasonable enough to take no for an answer. If you read, for instance, advice columns or domestic humor from eras and neighborhoods that did casual visits, youll find lots of stories of people turning the lights off and laying down on the floor to avoid visitors. Its not that different. Asking someone over to hang out at your house is much more personal if you ask him in person -- when that's possible and practical. Heres what I suggest. How to get invited without asking If someone is talking about plans around you, you can try to drop hints to prompt them to invite you. (Some people love striking up conversations at the bus stop, whereas its my idea of a nightmare). Perhaps its an issue of having strong boundaries, not sure. I was recently called out for inviting myself over to my friends home to show off my new bike. Cleanliness and organization goes for your bedroom too. I do that whole are we still on? thing probably anytime I have plans that were made more than a couple days in advance and dont involve tickets purchased in advance. If she does make plans with you and invest something into the friendship, I think switching to Im going to be in your area running errands, want to meet for coffee/lunch/whatever? is going to prevent any future issues. Shes even walked in the front door before when we didnt answer her knocking quickly enough. Whatever actually made him angry (my tortured hypothesis, simple embarrassment at being caught not working, sheer cussedness) was probably very hugely not about you. A soft no is still a no. Thank you for saying that. Something that we have found interesting in many of these cases is that women generally tend to play dumber for guys. The organizer may also be inconvenienced by someone who invites themselves. Ive had a not awesome day so maybe Im just being a kvetch, but I do not think all in-advance-of-company-cleaning has to be shame cleaning. In desperation, I basically self-diagnosed as autistic and followed the advice I found on the Internet I just started to straight-up name what I saw and ask about it. She used to do this thing where she would text that she was in the area but never in a way that left me an option on hanging out. She made friends with two girls living in her apartment block, and the other two were totally fine with seeing that the other was online playing a game and inviting themselves over. This situation really shook me. Likewise that does come across as very clingy and needy to me. They were birdwatching haunts). Anyway, like the Captain was saying, not all strategies work all the time, but consistent application of methods can get you places. Never, under any circumstances, ever, show up to someones house EARLY. It tells me that she *knows* the world isnt an open invitation for her to insert herself into other peoples social events. This is the more direct method. Lets see I have body pump at ten stop at the store home at noon, shower yeah how about one, one thirty? do not show up at 12:30. Is this something I should be policing in my speech? My rule of thumb is to not go anywhere where I have not been expressly invited (kind of like the vampires in the Captains hilarious trailer). I sent him an email when I left, and arrived 25 minutes later. It also depends on how involved the last-minute thing Im invited to is. You *do* have manners, thats why you emailed. In-laws decided to visit. Ive run into a cultural problem with friends who, I think, want me to invite myself over: theyll describe an event like watching a movie at their place and express surprise that I wasnt there, but I never received an invitation or even knew that the event was taking place. I like your suggestions about neutral spaces too, will definitely use that in future. I do quite like the idea of a I am around your area, if you happen to be free want to get a coffee? message with no guilt if I am not at home/in the middle of an Avatar: The Last Airbender marathon/having sex/just dont wanna, though. Im not saying this is rational, but tell that to teenage me, who was so quiet that people did actually forget about her! It drives me up the wall too! The real standout is the time he came to a free preview of my show well and good and proceeded to hang around after curtain, and after notes, and until I had said, Call times at 5 tomorrow, guys, see you then! that may just be me, i guess. In the case at hand, LW, your friend has made it clear that just dropping by because youre in the neighborhood is Not To Be Done, so dont. You could just speak to your friends and tell them what you want. Speaking as the sort who on occasion has that freshly-baked-pie thing happening, I can offer reassurance that I and the vast majority of my ilk do not care if your house is not like that. It says a lot about Monica (and me) that this is the way she expresses both her care for her friends and her need to be seen as caring and we could all do a deep dive on the psychology of that if we wanted, but I dont think thats the point. About three weeks out, I did a last run through the response list, and figured out that one friend who I had been discussing the wedding with had never responded. They also make me pretty tired. He isnt a part of me, you know, hes another person that you can invite or not, and Im not a mind reader to know you want him there unless you, well, say so specifically. 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