Being that she is a coworker I can't reach out. Since then he pulled away and been mia for a week. They can still learn to be better people, just like everyone else. Wow, Im so glad I found this page, with current posts still flowing in! We have been meeting for 13 years using Meetup as our gathering place. I apologized to him. It wont change. The stay-at-home mom of two teen boys in Connecticut says life with her husband, Rob, a successful computer engineer with Asperger's syndrome, is "like riding a roller coaster 24/7 without . Its all about Them. Required fields are marked *. Sometimes they would try to be what they thought people around them wanted them to be. Its been almost a year n half since he spoke to any of us in the family. If the other person isnt ready yet to hear your feelings, then what you are supposed to do is give them the time to be ready. I felt accepted. I find it so surprising yet because he has done it before I know it may not be the end. :). Yes, many of our Aspies have severe anxiety, and some cross wiring that makes it difficult for them to feel and talk at the same time. I broke up because he would just abruptly leave me and go out with friends so I got the hint I wasn't that important to him. I tried to make him interested in asperger's and understand the differences between us. At least I know that we are not alone. But, I fell in love Most honest man you could meet. If that makes sense. Im currently being froze out by him and we havent spoken properly in weeks. Aspie shutdown and withdrawal is a big part of how autism affects relationships. He supposedly had many stalkers, told elaborate stories and his exs were supposedly all too needy or crazy (red flags I wish I noticed early on). He needs to be evaluated by someone experienced and it seems like you are offering only education and therapy appointments. When he does see me he can't take he's eyes off me, smiling and blushing like a child and he's in he's 50's. These people are incapable of commiting to a normal relationship. Hello. Aspies don't make eye contact. Elizabeth, I tried to change the subject, and in a very charming way, she stopped on the sidewalk,looked directly in my eyes, smiled, and asked "do you like me?" His father is dying and things will definitely change. Dealing with the same. My daughter Bianca is autistic. Once I gave them an attitude and they tried to tone police me, although they were just talking to me like that too. But she cant use his issues to separate us and he cant use me to gain what he wants if that makes sense. I found that simply leaving him alone helped him to sort things out so I would let him know I was going to go out and just go shopping, take a ride, whatever to keep myself busy and give him space. I am sorry to hear about your own daughter and husband and I will add you to my prayer list. My anxiety is in overdrive and Im scared to keep bombarding him when I know this might push him away but I also need answers and some form of communication. Thanks for the posts - it REALLY helps to read other peoples' stories because now I don't feel alone. He said you couldnt possibly be that sorry. I told him I didnt want to be a hurtful person, that I wanted to be someone he felt safe around. Very hard on himself. However, he does not have the right to make this decision for the other person (you). And in the intoxicating whir of this new relationship, your existential despair became a thing of the past. How can he just shut off after being so intimate. And when he comes out of it he wont even know that it was painful for me, and thats okay. I accepted that. He said there is no one else. I have a friend and over the corse of just a few months we became very close. The flirting and laughter was gone. You deserve a loving normal individual in your life who can have a date with you, talk to you, look you in the eyes, hold your hand, kiss you. Its a long story, but yes,I did hurt him unintentionally. I've been dating a girl for about a year and during that period she came to the realization that she has Asperger's. I think the meds are making things worse. Ive been driving myself nuts since then. to uphold their unintentional abuse behaviors. (Part 1) Another thing to consider is that many of us are far better at sex than romance or love. To learn more just click on the Meetup logo on my website. Our Meetup group has both male and female members. He calls me a bully. Love You. actually, at 65 just a life without his never ceasing childish bickering. Any updates? How did the marriage get arranged? I just want it to work out but Im afraid after reading a lot of these posts it will never get better and I dont want to accept it. hes checked into a hotel and has told me its for peacof mind and to think of only him self for a change. No call no text .. nothing. I have been on this journey of trying to find understanding, since early 2015. The reason for this word choice is that most searches about adult . There have been a few things like him still being on dating sites and sexual messages with an ex-work colleague but we have talked through and I have forgiven him. Often, a . I will divorce him now as I dont trust him . How can a positive diagnosis of Asperger's help an News: Stunning Examples of Autistic Child Abuse. Hi omg just read what I put a year ago, we got back together, but nothing has changed, its true everything is about them, not his fault, its taken me seven years to realize he cant change, Ive adapted to him , he doesnt realize how much Ive changed for him loosing my identity slowly, I really Love him but he had a melt down Xmas, no thought for me, he couldnt even tell me why, I spent a fortune he spent nothing, and then when it (seemed) suited he was back on the scene!! I am guttered. However, I also hope you wait to get some response. He will either; a) pick on me or b) tell ke to not touch him, not go near him or just he silent. Never fool yourself into thinking They are remembering You.No, they remember anything negative and ruminate on it. Completely shut off from even asking me, how can I make you happy. I agree and I thought the same thing when I read that post. I soon found we didnt have anything to talk about. Sometimes I pretend so well I forget this is not true just a facade to get through Thanksgiving or Christmas of family trips! Being expert manipulators, narcissists know your vulnerabilities and may appeal to your emotions with cries for help, romantic gestures, messages, cards, or gifts on significant . We dated again for over a year, made plans to build a future together and then he went cold with no explanation. I don't understand how marriages last a long time. I was a nervous mess. ) I need some advice. I'm in a similar situation and am confused. Once I said that he shut down. Next conflict was him stopping me in mid conversation to say he was bored by what I was talking about. Hi, this comment is to firstly test if I can delete it after I post. His silence is profoundly impacting me and has slammed me into serious anxiety and depression. He completely went cold and whenever I tried to reach out, email, text, etc..he'd act like I was bothering him and he was so busy (even though he had no other friends and was closest to me). I don't know is the answer. Any advice would be appreciated. Being so introverted, I am often initially drawn to very emotional, social people. Oh my God. She closed off all communication about six months ago, but I'm still in an absolute turmoil of guilt, regret, loss and self hatred. I have experienced the Silent Treatment 2 times now. Im an Aspie and we are easily stressed out from NTs incessant demands. This eventually caused arguement due to misunderstanding. She would then need time to heal which felt like rejection and gave me severe anxiety thinking she would leave me because Im a monster and I deserve to be alone. Stop idealising themthey cannot changeever. One weekend she was going to visit old college friends and they like to party. This is because they do not see solutions as a joint effort. If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. I dont want to be the only one to compromise. The day after our wedding my aspie announced that he didnt really want to be married and that he made a mistake. Dont give up on either of you, but never put up with the abuse. They repress their true identity to fit in Youre certainly not an expert in psychology or neurology just because you belong to a neurotype any more than a person with cancer isnt an oncologist. We had so much in common too. Me and my bff worked together for over 2 years and in that time, he literally barely spoke a word to ANYONE at work. Where before you could do no wrong, now you began to feel that you could do no right. But then he withdrew sex and affection saying he felt off. A lack of empathy and any emotional attatchment. This time his shutdown was prompted by an argument. Me too I am so defeated ar the moment I agrree I am not the my best oerson in this relationshio. Meltdowns are the norm. You started feeling free to say what you really felt, to talk about things dark and uncomfortable, things that would make most people think you were crazy. Can he learn to understand and meet my needs at least intellectually? 14 years later he contacted me that we had unfinished business. The NT still has to take care of the kids, the bills, the house, while working and nursing a confused, crushed, lonely heart!!! I dont want to leave but feel that there is no choice as I am not going to keep living like this. On the other hand, he wants me to be with him every weekend and all weekend long. This is not going to get better and you are signing up for a world of pain. I remember thinking now this is living. He said I came down on him hard, which I personally dont think. I too am dating an Aspie. You found this person who seemed to you like this treasure hidden in plain sight. I went through a lot of silent treatments and neglect but whats worse is that he cheated on me. This is also why I formed an interventional support group on Meetup, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD. Reading these posts exemplify what I felt day to day with him. Aspergers in adults is typically seen as an individual with an above average intellectual ability paired with severely . No one else had realized how amazing this one person was. Most people with Aspergers, like most people want social relationships. It was like a switch flipped in him. When an autistic man falls in love? (Part 1) One of the most. He did something wrong and I came down on him hard. I started dating this guy for last few months. And he takes all she says as a big rule for everything. Now Im not sure were even in the same book. Getentrepreneurial.com: Resources for Small Business Entrepreneurs in 2022. Hes long refused therapy. I ve read so much on how to try and understand Aspergers and to make our marriage last. Affordable is key, he has trouble keeping a job and could never support himself. This relationship was different. Hed go to work, game, shower and sleep. He was and still is in strong denial. I understand its a disability and for that I will always make compromise because it is my choice to be with him. He seems completely shut down. I am looking for a little advice since he is my first boyfriend of 2 years now and I never had real advice as to how I can help him out for my particular circumstance. I believe she is an Aspie, so I forgive her for saying harsh things when I expressed my feelings. My ex aspie partner doesnt even want anything to do with his own child. @KAW, I don't know about the incidence of bipolar, only that depression and anxiety can plague Aspies. It's a difficult question and the answers would vary considerably from one person to another and would depend greatly on the circumstances. In the end this supply(me) ran out of giving her soul. Be yourselfstop toning it down..because you cannot as you say keep it up. He says he needs to feel safe. Hello all, from what I read alot of people start out strong in relationships but then grow weaker and weaker as they expose more of there traits and stop reading the other person. I would appreciate any advice to understand what happened with him, I am just a very emotional person and this has made me really depressed. I met an undiagnosed Aspie on an online dating site, we hit it off quickly and he seemed he was so in to me! Let them knoe that you still love them but that this is not healthy. I tried to reconcile using best possible ways but in vain. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Finally she told us she never wants to see us again . This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is why an aspie (or suspected aspie) suddenly goes "cold" and backs off on an otherwise good relationship. Why do Aspies Suddenly Back Off in Relationships (Part 2) In part one, we looked at the role that Change Resistance plays in causing aspies to suddenly go "cold" in otherwise good relationships. He has left me traumatised by the ten years of this lonely abuse, I just want to heal my self now and would love to meet someone who is warm loving and genuine. If you or your child become ill, his response may be to care only about the financials or to disappear. The physicality of sex is far easier in terms of communication in. These are all essential and, depending on the use case, you have different levels of fidelity you must get down to. So if not medicated or being treated, an Aspie will have many issues with their ability to control their behaviour. People split up he says like its nothing . I think my husband is an un-diagnosed Aspy. Then he got weird. He with Aspergers, was so affectionate and loving. When I asked him why he did all of it he says because he was horny and we always overthink. You tried to reassure them at the beginning, but they wouldnt believe anything you said. My boyfriend knows I have anxiety issues and that his silent treatment only makes them worse, and yet he seems incapable of doing anything about it. Example 1. Once the Lovebombing phase overbe prepared for WAR! He cannot forgive or forget anything; he loves giving me the silent treatment; he calls me a fucking bitch and constantly makes threats to leave me; he is a very sick man. You saw shifts, where the eyes that once glittered with unbridled passion and wonder went flat and dark. Pointless, and a missed opportunity for a real connection (which makes me very sad). Its hard to keep letting someone doing this know youre there for them and still thinking of them as your partner (I havent seen him in a month). Aspie-neurotypical relationships often start out with intense passion, then fizzle and devolve into disaster. If you are not married, and do not have kids, get past trying to save them. Yet that somehow that is my fault it seems because I am ND. Posted by ; On Maj 26, 2022; Same here. It is hard to hear that, feels a bit simplistic and sad after 9 years of being together. Past a certain point it just hurts too damn much. This was 4 days ago and Im venting, sorry. By expressing my feelings to her, she completely backed away. All this while also catering to and coddling the ASD partner like a child as to never upset him. Be prepared to lose yourself along the way. We are on day 3 of no talking. Example: Double handed slapping my rear end to establish dominance when I was talking to a pretty girl once, hard enough I almost fell in her lap. I was thinking that if Im going to try and support him, I need to have some assurance that he wants to take our relationship seriously! Do you agree with my assessment of what hes saying? I wasnt aware of the condition, but did my slight bit of research. Thank you. However, he still doesnt want me on social media and I havent met his parents. I am assuming u have married. I dont know how to deal with it. Oh my God. This is july 21st. I find following my own silent pursuits, yoga and meditation, help me recenter. Maybe you can not see through healthy eyes because you have issues from your own past. The relationship felt like magic. Hes such a loving, hands-on Dad so much of the time, but he is so intense and places so many demands on everyone, such high expectations, a place of no person. We feel helpless about this. Ive mentioned counselling before. Dear Aysha, it is best if someone local completes the evaluation. By the time I was in junior high, it was easier to keep my distance from people than to explain why I couldn't have them over. He simply has not been able to verbalize that he has feelings for me. Im no innocent party I apologized to him for my cruelty, told him I loved him, and that I was truly sorry. Everything is YOUR fault. For the neurotypical: Eventually, things started to get weird. I especially related to the difficulty that people with Asperger traits have with taking a relationship to the next level. Anyway he ignores my existence so Its all I can do . In order to reduce anxiety Aspies often go silent or check out for days. Poor . I am going through this now and have been for months. People defending this behaviour (whether theyre on the spectrum or not) is something all these victims of abuse do not deserve. He was mad that I contacted his friend ( I did it cuz I wanted advice how to handle this. July 21st. He constantly will just get dressed and leave and then come back surprised I got worried about him. The silent treatment is devastating. We set a one month period to get together and talk. It was confusing for you to see these two different people emerge, one in public and one in private. He does it in response to me getting angry and yelling at him. He cant handle actually thinking of the topic itself. My bf takes antidepressants and I suspect he is on the spectrum. I'm so glad I ran across this blog post. What I cant stand is not feeling like Im on stable ground ever. Having read the many tales of relationship trauma and despair related in this blog I decided after some consideration to put an experience I wish I'd never had out there. This time, I want to look at self esteem and depression; Self Esteem The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best. 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Will divorce him now as I dont want to leave but feel that there is no choice as I trust!