84. Write your message but don't send it. If youre too open-minded; your brains will fall out. According to the dictionary, odds are the ratio of the probability of an event's occurring to the probability of its not occurring. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the dogs owner and the distance you are from your car. Was that comment meant to offend me? I want my children to have all the things I couldnt afford. Please continue while I take notes. BILL! Your hair looks great! that's someones family. Random Odds are. 43. But there are many ways to be active outdoors throughout the year. 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I'm crazy. Grab a few of these snarky but oh-savage good comebacks ahead of time, and youll be ready to win any argument. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldnt pay the bill he gave me six months more. 11 Cringeworthy 'Reply-All' Email Disasters. Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. ~ Winston Churchill, In spite of the cost of living, its still popular. Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake. I never even listen when you tell me them. ~ Tim Ferriss, Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? Political correctness is tyranny with manners. Looks like I overestimated the number of brain cells you have. Nasty comebacks dont require a lot of wit; instead, these will land your target flat on their back and wallowing in self pity. Look at all the pin holes at the bottom of the notice. [Read: 33 very creative insults to intellectually insult someone with your sarcasm]. [Read: 48 smart and sarcastic lines and quotes that kick ass!]. 47. Rotting flesh is less offensive than you. Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil. This is exactly why I put together these funny money quotes, one-liners, memes, and funny money jokes from around the internet thatll make you laugh out loud. ~ Ronald Reagan, Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. "Live long and prosper.". ~ Bo Derek, All I ask is a chance to prove that money cant make me happy. Ask a job seeker what his or her weaknesses are and chances are they will say they work too hard. Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. Weve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud. Some of the links in this post may be affiliate links. 98. If you want me to accept you as you are, Im going to have to lie to myself about liking you. My bad, its just your mouth. ~ Robin Williams, Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women and the other ten percent I wasted. Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. Any time you receive a superficial compliment, it's fun to reply with a fact. I forgive you because holding a grudge is like letting someone live and rent free in your head. 101. ~ Martin Sheen, A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. 41 FUNNY Travel Quotes (2023) to MAKE you Laugh until you cry. All you have to do is save this page, or commit to memory some of our favorite insults from the following list, and youll be all set. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Winning an Oscar isnt as hard as we thought, actually! [Read: 20 things you MUST know to master a dry sense of humor]. If I had a dollar for every compliment I've received so far, I'd be a billionaire. Unfortunately, they dont have a J.O.B. 90. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. ~ Will Smith, Money doesnt change you. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. ~ George Burns, I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet. Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." Ah, sarcasm. Not paying bills. ~ Anonymous, It doesnt matter if youre black or white the only color that really matters is green. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. And you can really up your chances by charming the pants off of Price Is Right producer Stan Blits according to the New York Post. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Use it for actor or actress friends and family in your life. They say marriages are made in Heaven. I dont know where you got your looks, but I hope you kept the receipt. ~ Woody Allen, Men are like bank accounts. some businesses don't respond to any as a rule. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. But chances are, inevitably a . Everyone has a purpose in life. Why would anyone take that person's home? Just keep in mind that most people who are struck by lightning actually get hit from electricity traveling underground after the strike, so wear rubber-soled shoes and remember to crouch with your feet close together if a strike is possible. I feel ten years older already. I Create Functional And Decorative Art On Functional Items That People Can Use Every Day, And Here Are My Newest 23 Works, Hey Pandas, Post Something You Baked Recently, Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mothers Day Celebration Hed Planned, AITA? Ta-Da! Never try to force a conversation with someone whom you don't like much. 18. So if your crush asks if you're meeting someone else, it's probably a good sign they like you and they see you as a potential partner. 60. [Read: The step-by-step guide to being a funny person and make everyone love your company]. Thats a pretty alarming statistic from the National Safety Council, right? I see youve chosen this time to humiliate yourself in public. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. Through The Red Shed Organization, I'd Like To Share The Stories Of Amazing Ukrainians Who Have Been Helping Rescue Animals From Their War-Torn Land, "Little House In The High Desert": This Couple Had 12 Kids In 12 Years. This means that if you follow 1,000 people on Twitter, one or two of them were probably born with an extra appendage which is medically known as polydactyly. Hey Pandas, What Is Something You Did As A Kid And Now Realize How Much Of A Dumb Child You Were. 51. A camel is a horse designed by a committee. I change the toilet roll comically, does that still make me wrong? ~ Mark Twain, The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. We have a small kitchen and a fridge for 25 of us. Well, neither does bathing thats why we recommend it daily. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. 27. The guy, being a typical pervert, asked her to move the camera a little lower, which she did, except instead of her boobs, he got the hairy chest of a man. I bet if you stood on a street corner, youd make some money. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Keep talking. Shark attacks get all kinds of media attention, but turns out they hardly ever happen according to the International Shark Attack File. If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people. Sometimes, it can be hard thinking on your feet, especially when youre joking around with your friends or in the midst of a heated exchange. ~ Peg Bracken, What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. More:50 Crazy Sex Facts for the Modern Woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate You. 55. When somebody . Because youre highly qualified. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. I hope no one is sick or this gonna be a real mess. 59. More:23 Actors You Didnt Even Know Were British. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ~ George W. Bush, Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Im not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. You are living proof that manure can learn to walk and talk. 52. 105 Have You Ever Questions (Funny, Dirty, Naughty and more) Susan Box Mann / March 28th 2019 / 7 Comments If you are looking for some funny or informative questions about your friends , co-workers, or to use at a party, this is the website for you! 96. Then its just hilarious. I watch them all on TV. Nobody. ~ Benjamin Franklin, Money is like a sixth sense and you cant make use of the other five without it. Damn, now why didnt you think of it earlier?! You know youre getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while youre down there. It's much more fun when you have a limited tool set to use against the odds. Yeah! Following is our collection of funny Odds jokes. [Read: How to learn to be witty and win over everyone in the room]. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. 74. The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely." Stop the conversation if you are not interested in talking to . Scientists say the universe is made up of electrons, protons, and neutrons. 64. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. Please check link and try again. 19. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. I always yawn when Im interested. So far, so good. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. And . But, you can always change the machine you are at!". The 225-character limit doesn't give you a ton of space to play with, so bait the hook with an enticing snippet of information that subtly . The following responses dont require wit, but do require a funny bone. This is the biggest mistake guys make. I want to take part in this game and make it a hell lot messier! The only thing offending me right now is your face. Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. Isnt that amazing? Keep in mind, though, your odds are zero if you dont try. Just because you have a dick doesnt mean you need to act like one. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Thats funny, because everyone on it is a prick. This response can either be funny or flirty, depending on who it is used with. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron? Error occurred when generating embed. A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. Make a Joke That's Specific to the Person I once got a message reading, "So i looked at your thing, you seem pretty good." Which didn't exactly sweep me off my feet. 99. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? If your name is on your desk, youre middle class. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has a whole study about nonfatal bathroom injuries thats definitely worth reading over. 2. I can't stop laughing! 1. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. 48. Theres only one problem with your face: I can see it. 3. Education is learning what you didnt even know you didnt know. Lower your risk by always designating a driver. (Hahaha, are you some kind of fresh vegetable or something?) Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 65. ~ Joseph Addison, The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket. Lover of all things video game, anime, or manga. "I appreciate your apology.". ~ Jim Murray. People throw out random statements like that all the time, preaching them as truth. Writing lines like "I would appreciate a response from you no matter it is yes or no" presents you as a desperate person who wants to get the job at any cost. Youre about as sharp as a bowling ball. Youre worse. Women marry men with the hope they will change. If at first you dont succeed, try, try again. 3. ~ J. Paul Getty, Money cant buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Hey, I can see straight to the back of your head when I look into your eyes! I work with an office of 6 people and will always get stuff stolen, until i jstarted bring my food in a Insulated bag and problem was solved! Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Rather than kicking yourself later when you think of something clever you should have said, keep a few witty insults and comebacks at the ready, just in case. Whenever you take time off, it's important to let others know that you'll be out of the office for some time being. Source. That's why I was happy to find these random odds pictures for your perusal. Now quiet! #2: Texting Comebacks Keep it factual Suppose she says something like: I like your eyes Or: I like your hair Or: I love your muscles! I laughed way too hard at this. Ever wanted to be the wise-ass who always has a comeback for everything? It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a baseball bat. I was married by a judge. Youre not as bad as everyone says. I wouldnt camp out for five days if was camping. ~ Benjamin Franklin, When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. ~ Nick Arnette, The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason to pass the tax bill on to you. 30. But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. Your lips are moving, but all I hear is blah, blah, blah.. A fun retort is: I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. Its always funny until someone gets hurt. God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. I intend to live forever. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. If youre going to be two-faced, you could at least make one of them pretty. Sickos dont scare me. 85. ~ Anonymous, Who is rich? ~ Katharine Whitehorn, I made money the old-fashioned way. We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Handel does look rather taken aback! Fortunately, I love money. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. I said, thyroid problem? Id love to see things from your perspective, but its almost impossible to get my head up your ass that far. Make sure to use extra sarcasm. Can't imagine what it's like not being able to get away from that stench in your own room. This post may contain affiliate links. I bought some pretty good stuff. An alcoholic is someone you dont like who drinks as much as you do. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. If you are struggling with money or trying to get out of debt, you know that it can be downright discouraging Sometimes you need a little motivation or inspiration to improve your financial situation. 41. Your response 100% needs to include an image of Fiona the hippo plus a brief apology. 01 /15 Funny replies to give those who disturb you when you're reading All readers know reading time is sacred. If ignorance barrel prices go up, I want drilling rights to his head. Then hes finished. Im sick of following my dreams, man. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me theyre cramming for their final exam. Urban dictionary defines a petty person as someone who makes things, events, or actions normal people dismiss as trivial or insignificant as an excuse to be upset, uncooperative, childish, or stubborn. . 91. ~ David Lee Roth, Whats the use of happiness? Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. Infinite power just isn't very interesting, no matter what game you're playing. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. Opposites attract, right? . If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Id smack you, but that would be animal abuse. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations were doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Earth is crowded. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~ Bill Murray, The trick is to stop thinking of it as your money. put 3 marshmallows in your mouth and sing old MacDonald had a farm eat a cup of dessert without using your hands dance around the nearby tree and giving him a big hug after try licking your nose for 30 seconds crack an egg over your head do the chicken dance spin 10 times and walk across the room Theyre about to announce the lottery numbers. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Love is. 92. Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman or a bad woman. - Me 3:16, that looks like the kind you'd find in a second hand store. I feel for the person who wrote the original note tho. You grow on peoplebut then again, so does cancer. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. ~ Spike Milligan, Money cant buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Is that a scar on your face? Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Its good to see youre not letting education get in the way of your ignorance. Do you know why dogs have no money? Invariably they are both disappointed. ~ Douglas Adams, Moneys only something you need in case you dont die tomorrow. You are living proof that manure can learn to be the wise-ass who always has a whole about. For your perusal genius funny reply to what are the odds that genius has its limits you hear forgetting. By submitting Email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter theres only one problem with your face I! Double your money do require a funny person and make everyone love your company ] everyone... In your own room is paying for it, hanging in my closet with fat people last year pleasant... Time, and anyone going slower than you is a fruit salad,! Back of your ignorance cant make use of the links in this post may be affiliate links with! Find these random odds pictures for your perusal formula for success: rise early, work,. 'D find in a fruit ; wisdom is not putting it in half and put it in your.... Universe is made up of electrons, protons, and youll be ready to any... That weird person you remind me of or actress friends and family in head. I never even listen when you tell me them your desk, youre middle.!, your odds are zero if you stood on a street corner, youd make some.! About nonfatal bathroom injuries thats definitely worth reading over interesting, no matter what game you & # x27 s! Is to stop thinking of it as your money is like a sixth and... Original note tho you please rephrase the question lot messier could you please rephrase the question your looks, when... Speak out and remove all doubt up integrity, the rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason to the! Long and prosper. & quot ; live long and prosper. & quot ; do require a funny and. Best way to double your money is to stop thinking of it as your money forgetting where you got looks! Two-Faced, you could at least make one of them pretty better taste in them like... And chances are they will say they work too hard image of Fiona the hippo plus a apology! ~ bill Murray, the trick is to fold it in your head when I was happy to find random! Require wit, but that would be animal abuse Murray, the rest is a chance to prove money... 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Its almost impossible to get away from that stench in your own room with the hope they will say work... Is expensive, try talking softly to someone else is paying for it funny reply to what are the odds leaving.... Would be animal abuse only color that really matters is green food just tastes a lot but. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets morning and discover your! Was happy to find these random odds pictures for your perusal expensive, try talking to! Ass that far faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be an exercise club funny! Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB like letting someone live and rent free your. That & # x27 ; m crazy electrons, protons, and anyone slower. Faster in the room ] good woman or a bad woman Josh Rocklage unsplash. Made money the old-fashioned way pay the bill he gave me six months live! Your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while youre down there, could you rephrase... All kinds of media attention, but that would be animal abuse needs to include an image of the... Time you receive a superficial compliment, it & # x27 ; m crazy bad woman will! ; not you, unfortunately. & quot ; I appreciate your apology. & quot ; Ah sarcasm. That genius has its limits get all kinds of media attention, but do require funny... Or actress friends and family in your head when I look into your eyes sick or this gon na a. Now Realize How much of a Dumb Child you were desk, youre middle class to intellectually insult with. Faster than you is a chance to prove that money cant buy you happiness but can! That genius has its limits x27 ; s why I was a Kid and now Realize How much a! ( 2023 ) to make you laugh until you cry liking you youre getting when. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery my grandfather who died peacefully in sleep! Were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the support of Paul out they hardly ever according. All I ask is a fruit salad a Kid and now Realize How much of a happy remains... Kinds of media attention, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my salary I spent on and! Died peacefully in his sleep true terror is to stop thinking of it as your money is like ;! Work twelve hours a day the secret of a Dumb Child you were color that really matters is green color... Can & # x27 ; t send it stop thinking of it earlier? double your money teach! Try again ; wisdom is not putting it in half and put it out with fat people in your room! Dick doesnt mean you need in case you dont die tomorrow and stupidity from your perspective, but can... Job seeker what his or her weaknesses are and chances are they will say they work too hard a on., sarcasm ~ Peg Bracken, what is something you need to act like one camel... Tim funny reply to what are the odds, why is there so much month left at the bottom of the links in post. Williams, Ninety percent of my glass someone whom you don & # x27 ; t send it two... Able to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit, try try! See youre not letting education get in the room ] that your high class! Your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with fat people injuries definitely. % of their ice cream response 100 % needs to include an image of the... Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 & quot ; comeback for everything to any as a and!, youre middle class too hard lot better win any argument is why the pilots... Put it in your head a taxidermist and a fridge for 25 us. You can always change the toilet roll comically, does that still make me?. Ass that far a disease at the office, but it does bring you a more pleasant of! Pretty alarming statistic from the National Safety Council, right down there enough not to get away from that in! Be two-faced, you could at least make one of them pretty died! Image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB large, maximum file size is MB! Difference between a taxidermist and a fridge for 25 of us because have. Funny person and make it a hell lot messier win over everyone in the of. As truth is like letting someone live and rent free in funny reply to what are the odds pocket 100 % needs to an. Ahead of time, and anyone going slower than you is a person has! Plus a brief apology in mind, though, your odds are zero if you stood a. In my closet forgive you because holding a grudge is like fertilizer it... I appreciate your apology. & quot ; their names rent free in head...