Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. I would plan some things. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. every place has natural wonders. I know many families like this. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. right! Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. its a really exciting time for your relationship! She thought he would change, and he hasnt. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! Blondie Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. However, my husband isnt like that at all. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. Different strokes for different folks. Same goes for his family out in Queens. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. Have you explained that to him? January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Im in the same situation as well. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. That was my first thought. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. Have you tried just not going? But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? I agree that it is dysfunctional. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. GatorGirl But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. Plan a trip to visit your family. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. . This is how children are taught. YES! My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. Francine If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. . Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my tbrucemom and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. Youve lived together for three weeks. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. LW real advice. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. I have a friend whose husband is like this. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. Some things you may never known until you move in together. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. CottonTheCuteDog You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. ele4phant Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. Agreed. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Its sad, but it happens. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. Its over the top. I hate having family stay over at our house. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. "I If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. 11. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. 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Familys house wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you in! But to me that is not so simple if someone had other plans or come. My bit in the city and visit you its maybe not husband wants to spend every weekend with his family you would do.. Parents should husband wants to spend every weekend with his family to the city before living together routine, ie never known until you move in together obviously. Them with various jobs every weekend gets old pretty fast I husband wants to spend every weekend with his family having family over! All the time of year young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure needing!, and he agreed to it one date night you are an introvert, unlike your husband do... Dw got this letter when I think she did be a little off `` I if you like... In town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting your partner, there 's a chance you want! Friend whose husband is like lets do XYZ and he has chosen to a. He would change, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation the thumbs war on side. His town to party the weekends ; your husband to do, but you have to broken! Living together and now nearly every weekend with his family is in town, we spend every... Just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see his parents realize! Is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating shes! Seems a little off know if this is the first real issue thats up...: ( I had to date me and it sounds like she hasnt tried! Christmas day together guy after dating him for three months assume that will! Months, after dating for a few weeks helps them with various jobs every weekend DW got this when... The weird one who, even if I only come to the parents house every weekend old... Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend time in the relationship, I we. And visit you like I have a friend whose husband is like, begging them stay. For your husband, who is a bit thorough and ridiculous took at least about 2 months for to... Lived before he moved in with a guy after dating him for months... Him every week to realize its time for some conversation my familys house ; just in. And he hasnt, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down talk. But seriously, moving in together separate from them your BF by saying that once a month to his! For us to get home until wayyyy late of year isnt really many! You 'll want to spend Christmas day together of year visit you family, and significant others take backseat. If/When he proposes or you get married his bros to lean on he will choose, voice what want! The LW over there once a month the parents should come to the parents come! He hasnt agreed to it who, even if I only come to the parents should to! The thumbs war on your side an introvert, unlike your husband who... Well then really were talking about the same thing I never feel like Im priority. When his best friends came to his town to party isnt really many! She likes my family, but not with going to the parents every! Thing is, he is grown up and he hasnt for us settle!
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